I was still in my scrubs, standing on my own porch at midnight, when my wife opened the door..

I was still in my scrubs, standing on my own porch at midnight, when my wife opened the door...

I went back for my phone and found my boss at my desk pressing my house key into putty.

I went back for my phone and found my boss at my desk pressing my house key into putty.

At my grandpa's 90th birthday, my uncle pulled my chair out from under me and pointed...

At my grandpa's 90th birthday, my uncle pulled my chair out from under me and pointed....

Never go for the punch line. There might be something funnier on the way.

Our new supervisor told the whole night shift I'd never make it past 90 days. He didn't know..

Our new supervisor told the whole night shift I'd never make it past 90 days. He didn't know..

My husband said I could keep the dog or the house in the divorce. I took the dog.

My husband said I could keep the dog or the house in the divorce. I took the dog.

My husband went live on TikTok from my hospital bed, laughing at my colostomy bag while...

My husband went live on TikTok from my hospital bed, laughing at my colostomy bag while...

On my 18th birthday, my stepdad called me a mistake and changed the locks.

On my 18th birthday, my stepdad called me a mistake and changed the locks. Now my mom's divorcing..

My mom's new neighbor hugged me outside her house and asked, When did they let you out?

My mom's new neighbor hugged me outside her house and asked, When did they let you out?

In the school pickup line, I watched my wife hand our daughter to a man I'd never seen.

In the school pickup line, I watched my wife hand our daughter to a man I'd never seen...

• Artists use punchlines as clever, hard-hitting double

I was standing on the porch with his birthday cake and 30 candles when I heard my fiance...

I was standing on the porch with his birthday cake and 30 candles when I heard my fiance...

My dad asked me to be the best man at his wedding. Then he introduced me to the bride.

My dad asked me to be the best man at his wedding. Then he introduced me to the bride.

I gave birth to twins. My mother in law brought one outfit to the hospital, handed it to the nurse..

I gave birth to twins. My mother in law brought one outfit to the hospital, handed it to the nurse..

let her go away from you

HR told me to take my late son's photo off my desk because it made the office uncomfortable.

HR told me to take my late son's photo off my desk because it made the office uncomfortable.

When my flight got canceled, I drove home and found my brother at my kitchen table...

When my flight got canceled, I drove home and found my brother at my kitchen table...

At his 90th birthday my grandfather gave every grandchild a sealed envelope and told us not...

At his 90th birthday my grandfather gave every grandchild a sealed envelope and told us...

“All worries are less with wine.”

My son's mom died when he was two, and his Little League coach just asked me if she's....

My son's mom died when he was two, and his Little League coach just asked me if she's...

My mother in law insisted my husband be buried with his phone. At the graveside it started ringing..

My mother in law insisted my husband be buried with his phone. At the graveside it started ringing..

I came home from work to a moving truck in my driveway. My parents were loading...

I came home from work to a moving truck in my driveway. My parents were loading...

ntroduces the characters, scene, or premise.

My son's piano teacher stopped me after his recital and said, quietly

My son's piano teacher stopped me after his recital and said, quietly, Your husband told me...

I told my dad I was finally finishing the basement in the house he sold me

I told my dad I was finally finishing the basement in the house he sold me, and he showed up...

My husband's car app emails me his weekly trips by default. Every Thursday night.

My husband's car app emails me his weekly trips by default. Every Thursday night.

"I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline." ~ Billy Connolly

My wife left me for my father, and he asked me to stop calling him Dad around their baby.

Our new nanny quit after one day and left a note in my coat pocket.